I debated and debated whether I should write about this. This topic which often is considered so personal that people advise you against even mentioning it, leave alone writing about it in a blog.
But I have realised that there is something which binds most women in this world - the loss of a baby or a miscarriage.
It was not until I had one two weeks back that I realised that every second woman I know has gone through this tragedy. And most have gone through it all alone. Not because they didn't have friends but because you are not supposed to announce a pregnancy till three months and then if you miscarry there is nothing to announce anyways. I wonder why.
A miscarriage is such a traumatic experience for any woman not only physically but mentally and emotionally too. And when you are dealing with the loss of a life which was growing in your womb, all you want is lots of warmth, hugs and support.
But strangely it isn't the case. Most women I know deal with it all alone except for one or two friends who know about it or figure it out much later. By then either you are numb or you have made a painful peace with yourself acknowledging the loss and admitting defeat with destiny.
Within a week of miscarrying, I found at least 10 women who had gone through the same. The numbers were alarming. Then I found out about relatives, grandparents, strangers who all admitted to have dealt with this cruel blow some time or the other in their lifetime. My heart goes out to every mother who has suffered thus. The loss of a life only makes you realise how futile other things are, how the little things do not matter and how some things are just not in your control.
It's frightening as well as humbling to know that you are just a miniscule speck in destiny's scheme of things.
Everyone talks about a birth, we celebrate, we hug, we dance but when there is a life lost, you mourn alone. The world passes by and you wonder why you were chosen to lose something which was so close to you, a part of you.
Because each time you lose a baby at whatever stage, it takes a part of you along with it. I am sure the memories of what could have been will remain with me all my life. Each year, each month, each season will remind me of that little something which was not meant to be.
I have made my peace, not that I had any other choice. Having a two-and-a-half-year-old baby anyways ensures that you have to go on with life. You have to get up and go about things as if nothing has happened when all you want to do is to sob and sob in the comfort of your room. But this forced activity in a way also pushes you to come out of your grief and move on.
I admit my daughter took the sharp edge off the tragedy. Every time I was low she came and hugged me and did a little birdie dance for me which made me smile. Thank God for her. I am already realising what a big support system she is for me.
Daughters always are. They know when their mothers are suffering. After all she is a part of me. We share the same heartbeat.
To what I have and to what I have lost. May God give us all the courage to deal with our losses and cherish what we have.
Till my next post! You can write to me at http://mammamania.in